The Voices [ corrupted thinkmeats ]

axisnihilism @ 2008-03-20T19:27:00

2008-03-20T19:53:29Z

¿uʍop ǝpısdn sǝıɹʇuǝ ʎɯ ˥˥∀ op plnoɥs ı sdɐɥɹǝԀ ˙ʎɐʍɐ sɥʇuoɯ ɟo ǝldnoɔ ɹǝɥʇouɐ ʇsnՐ ˙˙˙ǝɯıʇ ʇxǝu lıʇu∩

˙ʞɔıɯɯıб ɟo puıʞ ǝɯos ʇnoɥʇıʍ 'ʎɐs oʇ ɹǝʇʇǝq бuıɥʇǝɯos ɟo ʞuıɥʇ ǝqʎɐɯ uɐɔ I lıʇun 'ʎɹʇuǝ ʇsɐl ɐ ǝq llıʍ sıɥʇ ʍou ɹoℲ ˙oб noʎ ǝɹǝɥʇ ʇnq 'ʍouʞ I ʎllıs ʎɹǝ∧ ˙llɐ ʇɐ бuıɥʇʎuɐ ɹo бuıɥʇǝɯos ǝʇıɹʍ ʎllɐnʇɔɐ oʇ ʇuǝɯoɯ ɟǝıɹq ɐ ɹoɟ ɥбnouǝ бuısnɯɐ punoɟ I ɥɔıɥʍ ʇxǝʇ uʍop ǝpısdn sıɥʇ ʎɹʇ oʇ ʇdǝɔxǝ ʇnoqɐ бuıʇıɹʍ ɥʇɹoʍ бuıɥʇʎuɐ ɟo ʞuıɥʇ ʎllɐǝɹ ʇ,uɐɔ llıʇs 'sɹɐǝʎ puɐsnoɥʇ ɐ ɹoɟ ǝɹǝɥ uı бuıɥʇʎuɐ uǝʇʇıɹʍ ʇou ǝʌɐɥ I

axisnihilism @ 2007-08-26T19:05:00

2007-08-26T18:09:24Z

With all things considered and the asperity of the Universe casting algid shadows over all plans that might fall into a chasm of disarray at any minute, it should only be a MONTH now... I can hold on to that surely?

Few notes of worth: A Supervoid has been discovered, something that large and empty corrupts my mind beyond all imagination. Voids are great, I don't know what it is about them, maybe it is the word itself, and it's a joy to utter... Void... And it’d drive anyone beyond insane even to gaze into it I am sure. Hard not the like that.

Another moment in which to moan a little I think, since I haven't for a few geological epochs. I'm more than a little fed up with people moaning about immigration. It is no wonder close to a million people leave these islands every year now, it is such a lamentable place, with cynicism that'd strike an elephant dead at twenty paces. I probably couldn't be more ready to leave, especially with this rather worrying rise in gun crime. I am all for immigration, and the Polish workers I've met are by far and away more human than their British counterparts. Coming from me, that'd be an insult on any other day, but they are genuinely nicer than the subculture fungal excretions that this country seems to produce an inexorable torrent of through younger and younger teenage mothers. "They are probably constantly insulting us in that language of theirs..." - how very vain to think that all they can talk about it how shite you are, not that I wouldn't all the time and especially in front of you if I could. The problem with English being the de facto world language is no one here can make an effort to learn anyone else's language, not that I haven't tried, but schools can do better than pushing French on everyone, it's a nasty language, and I'd sooner have learnt Chinese like they seem to be offering more of. Soon the Yellow fear will descend and we will all be worrying about speaking Chinese... Lovecraft in all his bigotry foresaw this just as he foresaw the rise of Cthulhu, but oh how he was shunned by the media, the press launch was unusually devoid of journalists that day. Paris Hilton soaking up news headlines like a noisome, pestilent sponge from the Chlamydia ridden bath of inhuman fetid imps, breastfed on the carrion of blighted cattle who were led by vile, stunted farmers of the Underdark to graze upon the muculent remains of aborted fœtuses. The stars are right for her to fall off the face of the world, why must she live? ¹

I like this 'Tombstoning'² craze (that isn't nearly fatal enough in my opinion), good to see Darwinism in action. We should be supporting such activities in a suicide from stupidity initiative. It is obviously the human brain's reaction to being so fatally lacking of sensibility, that it renders the owner incapable of self-preservation in order to give other brains a chance. Problem is they are breeding younger and younger so to prevent their own annihilation. It is very difficult to see a future for the Human race sometimes. It really is.

¹ Watch your step, slippery floors due to cathartic discharges...
² Current definition is the second bullet point should you need it, though that might change at any given moment...

axisnihilism @ 2007-07-04T14:20:00

2007-07-04T13:23:37Z

There is a sense that the last six months have been a void. The malaise never subsided and I allowed a sub-existence to ensue; finally this dangerous combination of inactivity and taking for granted everything I held so dear could lead only to a dark unforgiving place, and the vision of the future I saw there was so bitter I finally choked myself free of hyper-procrastination. I am no longer derelict.

For death or glory I am reborn, my 2007 begins now.

axisnihilism @ 2006-11-05T00:19:00

2006-11-05T00:19:16Z

Gushings and squealing horrors to all...

I have finally dared to leave my void chamber and travel epic distances across this detestable sphere of pulsating madness. Never there existed such a place, so familiar but yet so foreign, this living ambivalence is unusual to such a reclusive hermit of all things disturbed and wrong. However, I am jubilant in spite of the wettening that has plagued us here today. Thought I had better bleed more spurious obfuscations from my mind into this most heinous of human lamentations. Otherwise people may think I am dead, but all that know me will know otherwise, indeed, for I am with them. Well, she who is almighty and to be feared!

Anyway, enough vocal aberrations made digital for now. There is much to be done...

axisnihilism @ 2006-10-19T17:38:00

2006-10-19T17:41:02Z

For as long as I can remember now I've had sounds emanating from my brain. Not voices or anything coherent, mere noises. As a logical and rational person I obviously attributed this to insekts, parasites that lie somewhere between organic and metallic, which find the moist hell of my mind a cosy place to inhabit. They are doing something in there, something obscene no less...

These noises vary greatly, most of the time I really assume they are bodily noise such as stomach grumbles, the brain meat is pulsating or something, it's probably coming from my sinuses. This doesn't explain all of the noises however, and some are obviously brain related. Sharp spikes of white noise whilst I'm sleeping that trigger my eyes to receive something akin to TV interference. Sonances that aren't easily explainable, not melodic per se but certainly unnatural that I've been consciously aware of hearing in my head without outside stimuli. Although saying all this, I've always been intrigued by how I can conjure whole pieces of music with all its polyphony and multi-timbral qualities intact in my head. This brain marvelling aside - I am still perturbed by the teratoid noises that often become more prevalent as I'm reaching that place close to unconsciousness.

Whilst this ordinarily would have me contemplating the solipsist significance of these noises, I am more concerned with what the insekts are up to. Whether this is in anyway linked to sporadic bouts of night terrors I am uncertain. What I am sure of though is that it makes for awkward sleeping patterns... Blasted insomnia. If ever I start hearing words I'll seek medical help, or start my own religion, whichever is more convenient at the time. I'll let the incessant chittering of the insekts continue for now...

Seven more days!!!

Hell only knows where these things start...

2006-09-01T02:24:44Z

1. What are you listening to right now?
Republica - Drop Dead Gorgeous

2. What song makes you sad?
Camel - Ice

3. What is the most annoying song in the world?
Anything with Sean Paul on it.

4. Your all time favourite band?
The Axis of Perdition, possibly...

5. Your newly discovered band is?
DethKløk

6. Best female voice?
For a voice I surely cannot get enough of, it has to be wundermonkey

7. Best male voice?
Paul Draper, Mansun

8. Music type you find yourself listening to most?
I prefer not to fall into one genre for too long, but I do prefer dark songs most of all no matter of the style or instrumentation.

9. What do you listen to hype you up?
It doesn't take much to get me hyper nowadays to be honest, if I mentioned anything that did I'm sure someone would burn all copies of it momentarily.

10. What do you listen to when you want to calm down?
Delerium would be the first thing to come to mind if I needed to chill.

11. Last gig/concert you went to?
Anaal Nathrakh and The Axis of Perdition.

12. Band you find yourself listening to the most right now?
Again I try not to repeatedly abuse any particular band's back catalogue, right now, or at least recently I did have a fixation with In Flames... That's probably over by now though.

13. Most hated band?
Too many to list to be honest. It would have to be a band that there's nothing I like about them and I am constantly trying to avoid their invasion of my aural sphere of influence. Likely candidates include: Blink 182, McFly, and the Pussycat Trolls.

14. Song that makes you think?
Think what? Nietzsche and the Nihilists with their top 10 track 'Will to Power'... I've never listened to something and broken out in spontaneous thought, though in unjoying Maeror Tri, Troum, et al I do a lot of thinking.

15. Band that you think the world should love as much as you do?
Anything that 'the world' would love would mean that by default it has to be somewhat crap, to be watered down to extent that most people like it. Has to be total arse. I can however nominate many bands to which the world should and probably already hate.

16. Coolest music video?
Aphex Twin - Come to Daddy

17. What happens if there is no question for number 17?
I will make up my own... The answer to this puzzling question is syrup. Seems there's quite a few holes in this enigmatic quiz...

18. What do you play/would you play in the bedroom to spice things up?
NIИ

19.What song makes you yearning/longing/something of that sort?
NIИ again, probably anything off the first or last album.

20. Ever been in a mosh pit?
Back in the day, I don't think highly of them - then again, who does?

21. Are you in a band?
I am a band. Many in fact...

22. *spooky*
Three spoons and a potato.

23. Ever dated a musician?
Not really.

24 through to 27. *spookier*
Marshall Amps and marshmallows

28. Do you wish yourself that you were a musician?
Sometimes... *snort*

29. Best chick band you know of?
Not many of those around, least of the sort I'd listen to.

30. Where's 30?
Good question, but I don't care.

31. Last song that you heard on the radio/cd...etc...?
Lily Allen - Smile.

32. What do you think of classical music?
This could get long. Assuming the question refers not to the Classical period but to anything not part of the 20th century, I enjoy a lot of it... Anything that requires an attention span and appreciation of muso theory and equally brain wronging things gets my plaudits. The Classical period has its charms but I prefer the Romantic period and then Baroque. Classical is just too ordered and simplistic for me personally.

33. What do you think of country music?
Terrible, simply terrible... Not a fan of any folk music really, but eugh... Nasty.

34. What do you think of Death Metal?
Has its good bands but you first have to wade through the murkiest sewer bile before finding them. Much like any music really in so much that most of the genre is abominable but what is there is generally quite good. Only really exists in its sub-genres now.

35. Last BIG band that you saw live?
NIИ

36. Are you a groupie?
No sir.

37. Do you listen to music in foreign languages?
Rammstein is an obvious one here, but there's a few more. Nothing too extensively though.

38. What famous musician would you invite to dinner?
Never meet your heroes. Indeed, never eat them either...

39. Worst concert moment?
Going deaf in one ear at a Cradle of Filth concert due to the near constant sibilant screeching of some harpy stood to the right of me. No it wasn't Dani, it was far worse, seriously, you couldn't NOT notice the strident harridan, and I lucked out and got stuck next to it.

40. Funny concert moment?
Can't remember the band but the drummer forgot the drum part and had to stop and start a new song.

41. Sad concert moment?
Don't really have one...

42. Best local act you can think of?
I can't... The local scene is for local people, there's nothing for me there.

43. If you were a musical instrument what would you be?
A trombone...

44. Do you listen to the radio?
Never really have, quality is just shite, never has appealed to me.

45. Do you watch music TV?
If I really have to, only to remind myself of how dire the industry is. Might catch one good song every 30-60 minutes, even 120 minutes has become unwatchable lately...

46. Do you follow the music charts, like the top 40?
Is there still one? Does anybody follow it? It must be past its usefulness by now...

47. Have you met any famous musicians?
Not many, the only real in depth 'meeting' was with composer David Arnold... *blink* Sheesh, did soundtracks for Stargate, Independence Day, and the theme for Little Britain among other things.

48. Are any of your friends/family/etc. musicians?
Not really in the family but for a bit of sax etc, I have a fair few friends in bands though.

49. Song that best describes your feelings right now?
Depeche Mode - Strangelove or maybe Master and Servant... *wink*

50. Song that describes your life?
This is one of those questions, which is not even remotely answerable; there is no song that exists which even comes close for my life so far let alone all of it. I'll write one, and it'll probably have something about black holes in the title.

51. Do you know the names of all the band members that you listen to?
About fifty percent of the bands I probably do. That is bands I really rate anyway, not just casual listening fodder.

52. Does a musician’s physical attractiveness play a role in the music?
Not in the slightest.

53. What musician do you want to marry?
Irrelevance, I will teach her anything she desires, provided I know the instrument myself.

54. Favourite movie sound track?
Dune probably... Or Tetsuo.

55. OH NO - IT'S DISAPPEARED!
Shame...

56. What do your parents listen to?
My Mum will listen to anything, my Dad 70s Prog type stuff and Guitar Rock sort of things, I listen to it too so works for me, I have a even bigger CD archive to choose from.

57. What are you listening to right NOW?
David Bowie - Space Oddity

58. Do you wear band etc T-shirts?
You have a problem with that fella?

59. What do you think of people who do?
I think they are probably the greatest people alive, except for bands I hate. I know to steer clear of them.

60. Whoever heard of a 59-question survey? Was it really that hard to think of one more and make it a round number?
Apparently...

axisnihilism @ 2006-08-15T02:39:00

2006-08-15T01:41:29Z

The air is heavy tonight, thick with the noisome rancour of some pestilent creature - The caustic atmosphere enflames the swollen ulcerations left as scars from the spontaneous ejection of barbed wire throughout distended growths across my deformed body. I'm left to rock back and forth in near darkness as the vomit persists its torrent from my eye sockets. The colloid secretions that dribble from my ears are making it harder to hear anything at all other than horrific taunts from some unseen corner of the room. I have no sense of what time it is only that it must be night... Day is an alien concept to me. What wretched carrion have I become of late, rotting in situ in this reclusive environment, growing into the filth around me, I have always had a skewed perception of reality but the distortion is far more obtrusive tonight, obfuscating everything...

I feel the pull of something tugging at my brain from inside my skull, some eidetic claw grasping deep within my mind and pulling me far outside of consciousness and into some terrible dreadscape. The ominous flickering and whispers intensifying toward wild cachinnations from some shrouded daemon. I don't know what I am anymore; the blood inside my arms has blackened and assumed the form of a steadily flowing stream of insekts and centipedes. An unending swarm of creatures pouring through open wounds, I am a hollow shell of decaying pallid flesh, empty of humanity and sanity.

Perhaps it was because it has been very autumnal; such feelings don't normally come until much later... By which time I'll be somewhere far away - at least for a while. The sense of loathing I have for this place is quite acute now. Anywhere but here... I have more affinity to the local wildlife than the incumbent inhabitants of this abhorrent settlement. The sheer disdain I exude whenever my aberrant domain is infected by the mere presence of something objectionable is quite impressive, thus making train journeys particularly repellent... People are an execrable homogenous mass of organs perpetually under my feet or worse still devoid of the common sense intelligence needed to traverse something as incomprehensibly complex as a sidewalk. So agitated by the inordinate shuffling and edacious consumption of pavement capacity, I salivate thickly to sadistic visions of gratuitous ultraviolence. I will trample all under my stomping gait, and render every species of pedestrian mutilated and maimed beyond graphic interpretation. The innocent will suffer large as I walk the streets crimson with their detestable blood...

My penchant for such disturbing descriptions merely acts as an elucidative construct for any visual inspiration that I might feed off of. I have grown dependant on the decay to stimulate the wrong parts of my mind. So I wouldn't confuse any cathartic excreta as anything as trite as despairing lamentations or abject vitriol, but simply as an affirmation and consolidation of the realities I frequently transcend... I am addicted to dysphoric imagery...

Still I cannot shake the feeling that there is something intrinsically wrong with the world...

axisnihilism @ 2006-05-07T02:58:00

2006-05-07T02:03:12Z

I probably need electro-shock therapy... Not for the constant hallucinations and the paranoid belief in an infestation of cybernetic insekts currently scurrying underneath my skin and their insidious plots to destroy the world via my amazing combat skills. Not even for the howling fits I have when confronted with bright colours... Nor for the voices that command me to disembowel strangers as I meander through the London Underground... No - I need something to curb my procrastination; it's become a severe handicap. Well it always was but seriously; I can't do anything, least of all update. I might as well begin to rot away; some days I actually acquire fine layers of dust simply from being immobile for great periods of time. I feel as though I might actually grow into this room, for where does the room begin and I end? I don't know; my sense of proprioception is skewed and distorted beyond all the limits of sanity. I am the room and where I am within its walls its perturbed. In my delirium everything has become permeable and translucent.

I think I'll start to drill holes into myself simply for the stimulation as I expect I'd garner a perverse gratification from the mutilation that ensues; my mind is somewhat chaotic... Too many voices - no focus - when you pull something in so many directions it ceases to move at all, stabilising in equilibrium to all forces. So I feel rather trapped in a frame of discord where I can't actually manage to do much of anything despite my will and desire to do so... If only to focus on one point... Even if it is searing pain.

Watching the meatdrones commute is somewhat caustic. I feel immersed in white noise and irreverence every time I've been in contact with 'humans' it is as close to invisible as you can get, what exactly are all these thousands of people doing? I feel stuck onboard a Borg cube every time I'm among them and not in a good way either. Emotionless, rigid, thoughtless drones; endlessly flowing from all directions, under my feet, in the way, condensed and homogenised... Every time it's a philosophical lesson in anthropology - I go mad with the insektoid buzzing such swarms emit, the rank odour, the horrifying expressions. It is no wonder I choose to shut myself away, barricading myself in so that the zombie hordes may never ingest my thinkmeats...

The heat, it's only May! Thankfully it cooled off a bit else I'd have been fiercely irritated. I'm aware that some 'enjoy' the extra radiation but to me it is of profound abhorrence anytime the temperature creeps into the mid to high 20's (mid to high 70's for you Fahrenheit freaks). This is supposed to be England after all whatever happened to our reputation of it raining an awful lot? I'd move up north only it'll be to Seattle instead which is almost the same thing, only better...

Such a warped sense of reality I've developed, in truth this works out perfectly as I need the trance like delirium to completely devour me until I am one with the entities beyond. Then I am completely free to create outside of interference and boundaries... Though I know that I am to travel as close to true insanity as one may dare before stepping back so I have to plan and develop a parallel project of more simplicity to ground my pretensions and prevent my brain from burning out. I am sure to be incarcerated into an asylum one of these days. Thankfully I don't 'live' the disturbing visions that seem to flow from my mind like some river of vomit, cascading freely out of the maw of some giant leviathan grumbling with discontent after consuming all humankind. Taking anything too seriously is real madness... Anyone caught doing so ought to have immediate corrective therapy, which should involve a large bludgeoning bat and a small stack of waffles.

What alarms me most in the underworld of metropolitan transport is the obvious inclinations of so many that they take all of it far too seriously... You can see it in their glazed over eyes... They really think that this is reality? Heh, and you dare to call me crazy?

axisnihilism @ 2006-01-26T16:14:00

2006-01-26T16:17:50Z

Stirred from slumber by a violent shudder I awake to find myself in some empty concrete room, my senses jarred and sluggish, my vision distorted. It feels both claustrophobic and expansive, the filth splashed walls seeming both vividly within touching distance and yet seeming farther away than perhaps is possible. Weakened by whatever torment brought me here I can barely move. It strikes me as curious as to the particulars of how I got here, my mind an empty shell, everything is as unfamiliar as a dream, but more disturbing is the lack of any entrance and therefore any exit to this room. Not that I could muster up any energy to drag myself from the small corner I find myself in. Still the confines of this tomb seem too unreal to be physically there. I reach out and feel the wall, cracked and dirty, eerily soft to the touch, as if I could push my fingers through into them.

I begin to dig at the bottom of the wall, furiously at first before I hear scratching akin to nails down a chalkboard. Stopping immediately I recoil in horror as I find that it wasn't the walls I was digging into but my own fingers, I have worn them down to the bone, my fingernails hanging by the merest membrane of skin. Yet I feel no pain, none as I would expect as I tentatively toy with tips of my finger, inspecting the bone. Disorientated I pull a drooping nail from my bloody finger. It falls away as if it weren't even mine, even my hands don't feel like my own, the absence of pain creating a most strange sensation throughout my body. I feel almost disconnected from myself and feel compelled to remove every one of my fingernails, growing more hysterical with every one removed. Surely it must be some form of anaesthetic, however my fingers are not numbed, I can feel everything, just not pain. Growing further maniacal I root around the detritus in the corners of my concrete prison, finding in a pile of dust a few shards of broken glass. Upon finding a fragment of sufficient size I fastidiously carve great lengths up and down my arms and chest. Still no pain is felt, I should be in agony, but instead I'm bleeding copiously, feeling every trickle of blood run down my skin. Pushing my fingers into one of the large gashes on my arm I feel about inside myself with no pain to stop me from ripping the flesh right from the bone leaving most of my left arm without skin. I surely cannot exist without pain; this must be some dream, some nightmare...

Slumping into the opposite corner of the small confined space I find myself trapped in, I notice that there is no light source, yet I can see, the room is illuminated but I cannot see from what. My senses are failing me, confused and angered I lash out at myself, reaching up to my face to gouge my eyes out, pushing a couple of fingers into my right eye. The eyeball is soon crushed and I twist at it in an attempt to scoop the mess out, pulling out what I can and inspecting the remains with my good eye before hurling it at the wall and reaching in to gouge out my left eye as well. Still no pain, instead I can see my dirty, bleeding fingers grow closer until blurred beyond recognition, followed by the exquisite sensation of pushing back my eyeball until it ruptures, leaking its gelatinous contents down the side of my face along with a hot stream of blood. Sitting back it becomes most evident that I could not have destroyed my eyes, as somehow I can still see. How this is possible is beyond any comprehension of my understanding. Collapsing in a bloody mess on the ground, freezing, sickened and substantially pleasured by the self-destruction and mutilation, I struggle with the questions most apparent to me. Yet I cannot come up with any answers.

Shaking from the cold I observe an insekt crawling through one of the cracks in the wall. I had noticed a few of them before but there seem to be more now, crawling in from the cracks, all manner of jointed creature massing around the remains of my body that I've hurled across the room. I feel trapped, more so in my own body than this tomb, trying to resist the temptation to mutilate myself further knowing death must surely come soon, but I watch for hours maybe days as more insekts come to feed on the flesh I've torn off my arm. Lying immobile on the floor, flicking away any creature that comes too close, I struggle to keep more and more of them at bay and within moments it is obvious what is to happen. In a futile effort I brush away the creeping carpet of insekts that move in closer, smashing them with my fist until my fist is broken and worn away, and then it is too late. I am inundated in insekts. I can feel them crawling into my wounds, my eye sockets, my mouth, I can feel everything, every chitinous jaw, every movement; I cannot remove them from my body, which by now no longer feels anything like my own. I feel as though I am encased in flesh, that the flesh is not part of who I am. It seems pointless to try but I undertake one last effort to crawl away from the growing black mass of tiny eyes and jaws, leaving whole limbs behind for them to feast upon, but there is no escape and the whole room is soon filled and I am submersed in what now seems a single entity comprising of billions of insekts. The thick smell of blood and insekt is suffocating - I retch. Vomiting up mouthful after mouthful of arthropod and blood. I cannot expel enough though and I struggle to maintain any sanity as I am slowly over days eaten away, inside and out by a million tiny mouths...

axisnihilism @ 2005-11-16T23:39:00

2005-11-16T23:41:40Z

I can't seem to write anything of worth lately, instead I sit at notepad constructing diatribes so I haven't bothered updating. Besides I have Xmas shopping to do...

I will say this though echoing from some rants I have made in the past, you make me sick... All of you. Some in different ways, and sometimes it's not a bad thing but it's inherently true of everyone. You make me sick...

"It's so pretty when you look down on it..."

axisnihilism @ 2005-11-07T16:53:00

2005-11-07T16:55:36Z

Is it November already? For a week or so? MIGHTY GOAT! Well at least it is colder and darker now... I don't have anything to say really... Or do I? Perhaps if I prod the meaty mess in my head I might dislodge something heinous enough to spread thick across the screen. The squelching noises will speak to us all. THE SQUELCHING! Perhaps later... Might as well take up some space.